


The Pink Elephant with Purple Spots

by brainofck



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen!Porn, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-09
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-22 10:44:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainofck/pseuds/brainofck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel can't seem to get <i>any</i> alone time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pink Elephant with Purple Spots

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zats_clear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zats_clear/gifts).



> For Zats Clear who, TOTALLY IGNORING MY REQUEST for a detailed prompt for custom porn, said:
> 
> I could be original but, no...why fix it if it ain't broke!
> 
> Daniel, dreaming about a little quality time alone, subject of his admiration is author's choice. Twists in the plot, kinks in the hose, etc always appreciated :)
> 
> 

> 
> Well, Miss Non-Specific, I was forced to go to great lengths to tailor your porn. Honestly. *huffs off*

Daniel was in his own bed for the first time in days. He was half-way to a very sweet, very powerful, very long-overdue self-induced orgasm when the phone rang.

He yanked his hands off himself and certainly did not scream several insulting things in German at the phone before he lightly wrapped his left hand around his cock and picked up the phone with his right hand.

"What?" he prompted his caller.

"Well, hello to you, too, Daniel," Jack's voice tickled his ear. He gripped his dick a little tighter.

"Jack. How is it you always…" Daniel managed to stop himself just before he said _call while I'm trying to get off_ and said the more socially acceptable and also equally true thing "call in the middle of the damned night? Do you _ever_ sleep?"

"I've always had trouble with jet lag. It's a curse," Jack said mournfully. "Besides, you're always up," he said cheerfully. Daniel suspected the accidental double entendre was totally intended. He rolled his eyes and didn't feel the slightest bit guilty.

"I always answer the phone," Daniel muttered. He gave his alert erection a rub. "How can I help you Jack?" he asked with strained politeness. He rewarded himself with another slow stroke.

"What was going on with that guy who was in your apartment this afternoon?"

Daniel pulled himself back into the conversation, resting his hand on his thigh.

"I told you. He was from the security firm installing the alarm system in the building," Daniel replied with a long-suffering sigh. His naughty hand crept back over to his cock.

"He didn't install a single window sensor." Delicate up stroke.

"That's because I live on the eighth floor." Heavier down stroke.

"Fifty feet of rope, and I'm in your place. Quick swing down from the roof." Up stroke with a squeeze and twist. He just stopped himself from gasping.

"The security system is not intended to defend against Special Ops assault, Jack. Normal criminals are going to enter through my door." His tone was level despite a truly rewarding down stroke.

"I know what you're doing," Jack said darkly.

"I'm not doing anything!" Daniel practically squeaked, jerking his hand off his cock and putting it all the way on the bed this time.

"Then why are you avoiding the dancing pink elephant with the purple spots, Daniel? We all see it." Jack replied, his own voice raising in response to Daniel's.

"Look, Jack," Daniel stammered, thinking frantically about what to say, "It's not what it seems. It's just a coincidence that…"

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ he thought to himself, even as his dick just got _harder_ with the idea that Jack had finally figured out that Daniel always touched himself during these rambling late night phone calls. It wasn't like he ever got any free time to himself. Never an uninterrupted moment alone. What was he _supposed_ to do?

"It is _not_ a coincidence!" Jack growled emphatically. "The Russians are trying to get into your apartment!"

"Jack, I'm… _What?!_ "

"That guy yesterday was definitely a Russkie. I bet that whole 'security firm'," Daniel could just _hear_ the air quotes, "Is a KGB front."

"Oh, fer cryin' out… Jack! It's not the KGB anymore. And he was not Russian, he was Polish!" Daniel yelled, slapping his palm over his eyes, only belatedly noting that it was sticky with precum. Great. Now there had to be a post-phone-call shower.

"He sounded Russian to me," said Jack, "and I've known some Russkie bastards."

"Jack. His name was Stanisław."

"That doesn't mean anything," Jack said stubbornly.

"Wiś. Niew. Ski." Daniel singsonged. "He spent the whole day calling me Pan Daniel."

"Russkie, Polak, same diff," Jack said dismissively.

Daniel's hand had made it back to his dick. Why did Jack pretending to be a complete idiot just make him harder?

"Jack, stop trying to bait me," he said with an exasperated sigh.

"Okay" Jack agreed, with a warm smirk in his tone. "So anyway, the pink dancing elephant…"

"Huh?" Daniel said intelligently. His hand and dick were distracting him again.

"I do know, Daniel," Jack's voice was dark and rich. "You never pay attention to me when I call you at this time of night. And you're always breathing funny."

And he was back to _stupid, stupid, stupid!_ but he still couldn't stop himself. His hand just moved faster.

"What have you got, a treadmill you store under your bed or something?" Jack asked. Though his tone implied that he knew full well Daniel didn't. "Though why you'd want to run, considering how much we run all the time at work… Oh. I know! Stationary bike!"

"Jack, was there a point to this call?" Daniel demanded, finally at his wit's end. "I really don't want to just rudely hang up on you, but I will if I have to."

"Well, of course there was a point," Jack replied, affronted.

There was a long pause, while Daniel waited, letting his fingers play over the underside of his erect penis, trying not to let the sweet holding pattern cause his breathing to change.

"Jaa-ack," he finally prompted.

"Oh. Sorry. I can't really think of anything else to say," Jack said, falsely contrite.

"Hanging up now!" Daniel growled, and he did, but not before he heard Jack chortling in the background.

"Idiot," Daniel breathed, as he started working his dick in earnest. As always, he came within seconds of hanging up the phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Jack's Rebuttal:
> 
> Jack snaps shut his cell phone and looks around the rooftop shiftily.
> 
> "Look, people, this is not what it looks like. I mean, I know I'm kitted out for an op and I've got all the rope and listening equipment and stuff, but fer cryin' out loud... What am I _supposed_ to do?! _You're_ the whack jobs who keep writing about Daniel's, you know, _whack jobs_ all over the place. Pot, kettle, people!"
> 
> "And get off Daniel's roof, you crazy stalkers! Jeez, it's a good thing I'm here so much! I mean, it's a good thing I'm here!"
> 
> Jack quickly rappels to safety, bursting through Daniel's bedroom window in a (very safe)(but impressive) shower of broken ~~sugar~~ glass.
> 
> Daniel is wiping off the sticky. He leaps across the room terrified.
> 
> "Quick, Daniel! Let's hide in the closet! Crazy people are on your roof!"
> 
> Jack tackles sticky, pantsless Daniel and slams the closet door behind them.
> 
> "Ooof!" says Daniel.
> 
> [FADE]


End file.
